just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
organizing the empties. That sober.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
