Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
