no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
