I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
