I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
