i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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