Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Randomize
