ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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