Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
