so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
