If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
