she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It was confusing and full of hummus
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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