I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He kissed a someone with a penis
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She bit a glass in half.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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