He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I stole a fireplace last night.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
