Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
