Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
