Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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