my vag is so smooth its legendary
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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