shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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