I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
