I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
