I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
