Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
