**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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