we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
