I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
What a dumb baby whore.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
