I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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