I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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