She is in my trunk
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
