why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i dont even know how to be here
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
