So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
