haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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