her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
