I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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