my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
