I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just want nice things and good sex
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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