im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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