happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
