Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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