she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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