This is not my ceiling
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
