I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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