Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
