The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm passing your future prison.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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