I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
