Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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