On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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