You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
