i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
wanna go halves on a baby?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
