I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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