I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
